Later life
Tragedy befell Alice on 29 May 1873, when her youngest and favourite son, Friedrich, called "Frittie", died after falling 20 feet (6.1 m) from a window. The child suffered from haemophilia, and although he regained consciousness, the internal bleeding could not be stopped. Alice never recovered from Frittie's death, writing to her mother two months later: "I am glad you have a little coloured picture of my darling. I feel lower and sadder than ever and miss him so much, so continually." However, the Queen's attention was more focused on the engagement of her son Prince Alfred to the Grand Duchess Marie Alexandrovna of Russia, the only surviving daughter of Tsar Alexander II and his first wife, Empress Maria Alexandrovna. The Tsar had refused to present his daughter for pre-marriage inspection in England, and instead invited the Queen to meet the family in Germany. Alice supported this suggestion, and on the same day she wrote to the Queen about how much she missed Frittie, the Queen wrote to Alice in scathing terms: "You have entirely taken the Russian side, and I do not think, dear child, that you should tell me...what I ought to do."
After Frittie's death, Alice attached herself more closely to her only surviving son, Ernest, and her newborn daughter Marie. In 1875 she resumed her public duties, including fund-raising, medical and social work, which had always held her interest. She maintained active correspondence with the social reformer Octavia Hill. However, in these years, relations with her husband deteriorated. In late 1876, she travelled to Britain for treatment due to an internal complaint caused by a backward curvature of the uterus,and remained at Balmoral while she recovered. From Balmoral, she wrote to her husband criticising the childishness of his letters: "[i]f my children wrote me such childish letters – only short accounts – of where and what they had eaten or where they had been etc., and no opinions, observations and remarks, I should be surprised – and how much more so when you write like that!" On 3 October 1876, she wrote another despairing letter to Louis:
I longed for real companionship, for apart from that life had nothing to offer me in Darmstadt...So naturally I am bitterly disappointed with myself when I look back, and see that in spite of great ambitions, good intentions, and real effort, my hopes have nevertheless been completely ship-wrecked...You say, darling, that you would never have caused me hardship intentionally...I only regret the lack of any intention or desire – or rather insight – to be more to me, and that does not mean spending all your time with me, without wishing to share anything with me at the same time. But I am wrong to talk of these things. Your letters are so dear and kind – but so empty and bare – I feel myself through them that I have less to say to you than any other person. Rain – fine weather – things that have happened – that is all I ever have to tell you about – so utterly cut off is my real self, my innermost life, from yours...I have tried again and again to talk to you about more serious things, when I felt the need to do so – but we never meet each other – we have developed separately...and that is why I feel true companionship is an impossibility for us – because our thoughts will never meet...I love you too so very much, my darling husband, and that is why it is so sad to feel that our life is nevertheless so incomplete...But you are never intentionally to blame for this – I never think that, never...
The following day, Alice wrote a much shorter letter to Louis in which she looked forward to their meeting, and hoped that "my letter did not distress you – but it is better to be quite honest about all one's feelings". Despite marital problems, Alice remained a strong supporter of her husband, being highly critical when his abilities or talents were not fully recognised. On 20 March 1877, Louis's father Prince Charles died, making Louis heir presumptive. On 13 June the same year, Charles's older brother Grand Duke Louis III died, and Louis and Alice became the grand duke and duchess of Hesse. Her continued unpopularity in Darmstadt, however, coupled with her mother not wanting her in England, caused strain, and she and her children spent July and August in Houlgate, Normandy, where Louis often visited them. She was hurt by her reputation in Darmstadt, and she became increasingly bitter towards it; Louis wrote in August 1877 expressing the hope that "bitterness of the salt water will drive away the bitterness that you still feel against Darmstadt. Please my darling, don't speak so harshly of it when I come to join you – it would quite spoil my happiness at seeing you again." Alice took Louis's letter to heart, responding: "I shall certainly say nothing to you about Darmstadt when you come...I have no intention of saying anything unpleasant, least of all to you. You shake off anything unpleasant like a poodle shaking off the water when it comes to the sea – natures like yours are the happiest in themselves, but they are not made to help, comfort and advise others, nor to share with others the heat of life's noon-day or the cool of the evening, with insight, understanding and sympathy." In response, Louis sent a letter that "made [Alice] cry", and after this letter, Alice's letters to Louis were more encouraging, assuring him of his ability to make decisions by himself.
Alice and Louis's return to Darmstadt as grand duke and duchess was met with celebration that Alice did not expect. However, she found her duties overwhelming, writing to her mother that she "dreaded everything". Alice used her new role to reform the social conditions of Darmstadt, but found the responsibility of being Landesmutter (mother of her people) strenuous. In another letter to her mother, she wrote that her duties were "more than she could stand in the long run". She was distressed by a rumour that she was once unkind to Louis's aunt, Grand Duchess Mathilde Caroline, and she was hurt by an unkind letter from Queen Victoria. Alice complained to Louis that the letter "made me cry with anger...I wish I were dead and it probably will not be too long before I give Mama that pleasure." However, no mention is made of what provoked this angry outburst.
While she tried to involve herself in the arts and sciences and distance herself from society protocols, she continued to feel the burden of her duties. Christmas 1877 provided respite for Alice, as all the family gathered together again, and she doted on her youngest daughters Alix and Marie. She was too exhausted to attend the wedding of her niece, Princess Charlotte of Prussia, in Berlin, in January 1878. In the Autumn of 1878, Queen Victoria paid for the Grand Ducal family to holiday in Eastbourne, where they stayed in a house on the Grand Parade. Alice performed various royal duties on this trip and visited her mother at Osborne before returning to the New Palace at Darmstadt in late 1878.
